From Burndown to Abundance

"I shall only start working when I feel no pressure of working." This is a phrase I have been repetitively telling myself since my burnout two years ago.

Apparently I used to have, maybe still do, a character that keeps my feet moving. What is standing still? Not sure. What is staying still? I better not.

I was driven by fear all the time. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of being broke. Feeling of disapproval.

So I worked and worked and worked to get approval from others, from family by accomplishing many things. Straight A's, degree after degrees, companies after companies. I worked and worked and worked to build a (false) sense of security from my career. To the point, I couldn't even feel my heart. Literally.

Didn't know what was love. Didn't know my body. Didn't know a thing about myself. Then one day back in 2022, I ended everything I was doing, completely.

I closed my previously business. Closed my shop. Refrained from all customers messages. Withdrew from all family connections. Sat at home and faced my own fear.

Of course, there were many many struggles and doubts along the way, rather I was heading to the "wrong" direction because this behavior may have looked strange to many people.

and yet, "two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by" 

I ended up exploring so many so many hobbies. Some were just a fun thing to try, some stayed a little longer, some ended up at Napping Hay because I just liked doing them. Finally, doing something not because of money; not because of fear; not because of approval. Happy for being where I was, enjoying whatever I was doing. I can feel my being, and I can finally breathe.

My wife describes it as silvery pink fireworks shooting around me when I am in that state - the feeling of abundance.

I am so grateful that I had this time off and had fun. To know about myself, to spend time with myself. To know more about my fear.

I once thought, once I stop, there would be no income, so stopping was not an option. Never knew and never expected that one day, I faced this fear was by stopping. And, what was even more magical is that.... enough resource just came, somehow. We didn't work, and somehow we just lived through these days.

Abundance is not having one millions dollars in your bank account as spare money. Abundance is that "just enough"delivered at "just at the right time", so you can worry-free.

People say love and fear is the opposite of each other, but I believe abundance forms a triangle with them.